Friday, August 19, 2005

In a good mood? I can't tell!

So, I'm feeling pretty good but not full of vim and vinegar. I think I've reached the plateau my oncologist told me about. She said I'd have this surge of energy after finishing chemo and about 4 months later, I would just sort of level off. I'm definitely in the "level off" stage and am feeling a bit nervous about how tired I'll be when school starts. I haven't been sleeping all that well, so that might be the cause of any fatigue.

I've fallen off the exercise/good eating band wagon a bit. Tom and I have been traveling an incredible amount this summer. We left for California on July 1 and were to return for the balance of the summer on July 17. Flash forward -- I have only been back home for a couple of days. I was planning on taking the month from the middle of July til now to rest and nest, work out, set a healthy eating/exercising schedule for myself, decompress -- all in anticipation of the new school year. Of course, things don't always happen as you plan. Did I mention that my dad broke his leg, and that's why I was in Atlanta for nearly 3 weeks? So, he's in pain and really pretty debilitated, and here I am complaining about how being home threw a wrench in my plans and loused up my summer. Nice. Selfish me. I swear, my whole life I've wanted to be a parent. I better learn to handle change in a healthier manner.

Emotionally, I'm more up and down than normal. Before all of this cancer craziness wreaked havoc on my life, I was nearly always happy, positive and fun to be around. Seriously, I could count depressing, unfriendly, moody days on one hand. I'm much moodier now. In the last few weeks, I've been taking some of my bad moods out on Tom which is wrong wrong wrong. The magnitude of Mom's death continues to hang over me. It's deeply depressing to know that the mourning will never end, and the pain of losing her may change but will never go away. Plus, I have that post-chemo vicious cycle of guilt. I am in a bad mood, and then feel guilty that I'm giving myself bad "vibes" or something and those "vibes" are going to cause me to have a recurrence. Lately, I've been certain that my stress is giving me cancer. Some days, I swear I can feel my cells mutating. This, of course, is ridiculous, and I've got to break the cycle or I'll go nutty.

Although I absolutely am NOT ready to return to work, having that schedule and distraction will probably be really good for me. Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm going to make an appointment with the preist who married us. I haven't seen him since the WEDDING which in Catholic time equals many years in Purgatory, but I do feel I need some spiritual guidance for resurgence. EVERYTHING in my life was thrown into upheaval this year. It's hard to be normal after all this abnormality.

Gee, I sound so depressed! Truth is, I'd say I'm in a pretty good mood. Huh. Then again, if you asked me, I'd still say I was a healthy person, too. :-) Go figure!

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